I Trust You

 How do you give full control to Someone you don't really trust, to Someone you don't fully believe loves you? 

You can't. 

Here's a conversation I had with a pastor friend, which showed me how I really felt about God:

"Do you trust God?" 

"Sure I do."

"Do you believe He loves you?"

"Sure."

"Do you believe He's always been there for you?"

"Well.... no actually. He let a lot of bad things happen to me as a child, a lot of very, very painful things. In fact He's let me suffer, a LOT."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well..... um......  actually? I feel angry. And hurt. He wasn't a very good Father. He didn't protect me like He should have."

"Do you believe He loves you?"

"Well.... not really, no."

"Do you fully trust that He has your best interest  in mind?"

"No. I don't. Honestly? Now that I think about it, I don't trust Him. As a matter of fact, I'm angry with Him. I'm angry. I have never forgiven God for letting me down, for not protecting me." 

"You have unforgiveness in your heart toward God?"

"YES. Actually I do. How could He? How could He let me go through all that pain as a child and no way to cope with it? It was cruel! He didn't protect me. And it hurts."

"So, how can you fully surrender to Someone who you don't trust?" 

"I..... can't."

"Exactly. And that's where we have to start, right there. I want you to tell God right now how you feel about what happened and how you feel about Him."

So I did, sobbing my little girl heart out while I did it. I said exactly what I felt. I didn't hold anything back. I got it all out.

And that's where the healing began. 

That's when He started to show me why He allowed all of that to happen, why it was necessary, why it was a severe mercy and what it did for me - how all of it made me eventually find Him, turn to Him, cling to Him, love Him. I could finally see it. I could finally understand, let go and forgive Him. I could finally see that it was Love that did all of that.

I realized that He loved me, fully, deeply, enough to let me suffer, for my own good. 

He loves me. Really loves me. I am loved? Really loved? Oh my. I. Am. Loved.

Trust filled my heart. I surrendered my life to Him who loved me so. I gave Him control. 

And my heart filled with peace.

Thank You Father.  I love You. ♡

What Can We Do??

 "Our country is living in collective disobedience, therefore it is outside of God's will and outside of His protection and His blessings. What can we do??"

Compared to other countries in the world, our country is the teenager. We are the youngster in the group. We are going through some growing pains right now on our way to maturity, which is natural. We are trying to find out who we are.

 And as often happens in teenager's lives, we suddenly find ourselves at a fork in the road, having to make decisions that will affect the rest of our lives. For a teenager the decision might be, do I take the pill or not? Do I go with those guys or not? Do I steal that thing I want or not? Etc.... 

For our country, this fork in the road, these decisions, decide our future for many generations, if not forever. Do we move towards Socialism or not? Do we remain a country that legalizes the killing of babies or not? Do we continue to promote and push unnatural lifestyles as normal, further tearing apart the God-given family unit that is part of the bedrock of our society or not? Do we continue the trend of lawlessness, being soft on crime and criminals or not? Do we continue to dishonor and not care for our elderly and not protect our children or not? 

Every one of those choices are either obedience or disobedience to God and what He told us to do in His Word. A nation which legalizes killing children in the womb,  sees pedophilia or homosexuality or transgenderism as normal, who dishonors the elderly and who doesn't protect our most vulnerable, is a nation that lives in sin and disobedience to God. 

A person or a nation which lives in disobedience, in sin, is outside of God's will and therefore outside of His protection and blessing. 

A nation that lives in sin is in direct opposition to God and is an enemy of God. This nation will be judged. 

God loves us enough to do what it takes to bring us back from a life of sin. He will let us suffer because He knows it will open our eyes and bring us back to Him, to wholeness, peace and freedom.

So to those of us who want to live in obedience to God in our personal lives and in our nation, what do we do? Some of our laws and leaders are evil and because of this, we are all collectively living in sin, even though we don't agree with it. 

This situation is a lot like a Christian woman who is unequally yoked with a man who isn't saved. Her husband isn't walking with the Lord and is living in sin, so their home is not one living in obedience to God. She has to live under his disobedience and they are collectively living in sin because of his leadership. 

What does God tell her to do? Pray for him. Be a good example. Be a witness. Love him. Take good care of him. Be patient. Trust God with the situation. Be respectful.  Let God love him through her. Let God use her in the situation for good. 

What else can we do? Be a Daniel. Stand up. Be honest. Spread the truth wherever you can. Be faithful. 'Servants be submissive to your masters, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongly. But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently this is commendable before God. For this you were called because Christ also suffered for us leaving us an example.'

We pray forgiveness for our leaders for they know not what they do. They are blind and walking in darkness without God.  We continue to obey God and do what's right. We shine our light in the darkness and believe. The darker it gets, the brighter we shine.

God will use this dark, difficult time in our nation's history for our good. Many will be saved through it. And that's the most important thing of all.

Thank You Father for allowing this to happen and for all You're doing through it. Your will be done. ♡

In the Interest of Unity

One of my sisters sued me five times. FIVE times. All of those lawsuits were thrown out because they were bogus and without merit but it still cost me time and money to deal with them. A LOT of money, around ten thousand dollars. 

This same sister has lied to me, cheated me and stolen from me. She has said unspeakably cruel things to me and has caused much anguish and emotional turmoil in me over the years. I never did anything unkind to my little sister, ever. Even though I have done some pretty heinous things to a few people in my lifetime, in these cases with this sister, I have truly been the innocent party.  My own lawyer actually felt sorry for me because of the relentless persecution from this sister. 

This same sister has never acknowledged any of these things she has done nor has she ever apologized for any of it.  And I expect she never will. 

When I reached out to her a few years ago to try to mend fences - because she's my sister and because God made me - she said we could talk again but then added, and I quote, " But I don't want any drama." 😳 She acted like I had made all that trouble, she was the innocent party and had done nothing wrong.  

Well. My flesh immediately rose up in righteous anger, but just for a moment, because God and I had already dealt with all of this. He showed me that she was broken, walking in darkness without Him, needing love. He helped me to say, "Father forgive her for she knows not what she does." I wrote her back and said, "Ok, great."

 And ever since, we talk and behave like sisters. We're not close but we have a pleasant relationship and we get along. I even enjoyed the few times I've been with her since we got back in touch. 

I have other family members who I've had to forgive again, and again, and again for abusive, selfish, unkind behavior. Behavior they have never acknowledged or apologized for. I have forgiven way more than seventy times seven. Way more. 

Why? Because God told me to, over and over again in His Word. We who follow Christ are held to a higher standard. We are to be like Him and obey what He said to do. 

He said to forgive others. He said we cannot have ought in our heart against others. He said that before we pray, we are to forgive our brothers or He cannot forgive us. He said in I Cor. 13, to love like He loves, to keep no record of wrongs, to forgive and let it go as if they did nothing, to love unconditionally as He loved us while we were yet in our sin. 

Is this easy to do? Gosh no. It took me years to do it. It's been a very bitter pill for me to swallow time and again, but I wanted to obey. I wanted to be like Christ and be close to Him, so with His help, I did it. And continue to do it. 

Am I glad? YES. Very.  I'm glad to have unloaded those heavy burdens of anger and hate. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful there is unity where there was division before. I love being able to really love like He does. I am glad to have my sister back even if she hasn't apologized. It is good. And I'm glad. 

Where there is division in your life, relationships, family or country, it's up to us who have chosen to follow Christ to be like Him, to forgive, love, heal and bring unity back  to the situation. We are all brothers and sisters. We are family. This is our calling, our responsibility, and the world will be a better place for it. ♡

Finally At Peace ♡


You know how sometimes you get such a CLEAR picture of some truth that it just blows your socks off? Well that happened to me a while ago and it has helped me SO much.

I've heard and read my whole life that the keys to a real Christian walk are surrender and trust. That these are the two wings we fly with.

Now I've tried to do that for years. I've 'surrendered' a million times and just never could figure out why I had such a hard time finding the peace, abundant life, strength and joy that the Bible says are ours.  I have always struggled terribly.

I was praying, asking God yet AGAIN what the deal was, why am I handling this season of difficulties SO VERY BADLY? I mean seriously, I've been a total hot mess. 🙄

And I felt like the Lord said the word 'Control'. That I still hadn't really given Him full control of my life. Really? Gosh I've tried. But I could see that I still held reserves, I still said no at times, I still wanted to make the decisions. Why? Because I'm afraid. I want to be in control to protect myself from more pain and because I don't really trust God. I have never really believed that He loves me so I couldn't trust Him to take good care of me. So I couldn't let go and let Him have it. It wasn't about obedience. It was about fear.

And having all this 'control' over my own life hasn't helped one bit or kept me from more pain or harm.  It's just made me exhausted and physically sick and miserable.

I suddenly got this image of a ship cruising in the water and me hanging on down at the front in the water trying to steer it with my bare hands. 100,000 tons of ship and I'm trying to steer this thing. All my life. And here I was bumped, bruised,  water logged, bleeding, body falling apart under the strain and utterly exhausted, ready to let go and die, because I simply could not steer this ship and I can't try anymore and yet I STILL don't understand why it's not working and why I'm so tired. I've been trying to do something I was never meant to do. Never could do. GOD IS AT THE HELM. HE is steering. Always has been.

 And He's been waiting for me to join Him, to stand beside Him shoulder to shoulder while He does the steering, working together, Him deciding where we're going.

No wonder you couldn't feel His presence or hear Him better. He couldn't get anywhere near you with your hands full of ship, being dragged through the water. He'd call down to you every now and then, "Hey honey! How you doing down there?" I'd answer, "I'm fine! Gurgle, cough!" And He yells back, "Ok, I'm up here at the helm when you're ready to join Me. Love you!"

He kept the sharks at bay and kept me from drowning but He let me get hurt, bruised, exhausted, lonely, battered and completely beaten because He knew at some point I'd get tired of it and finally just want to let go. And when that finally happened, He threw me a rope, lifted me up, hugged me and said, "I'm glad you're up here with Me. Come on, let's get you dried off and rested and then you can join Me and we'll start over. How's that sound?" And me sobbing, "That sounds guh guh goood! I'm so tired."
I'll tell you, it was such a relief to finally let go and stop trying to steer that big ship. It's like, "Yes PLEASE, You take it. I don't WANT it anymore."
 Of course I have moments where I want to throw my leg back over the side to 'help' steer or want to wrest the wheel back out of His hand or look over the side and tell Him where to go or get freaked out by the fog ahead but I remember, I don't WANT that job anymore. He's steering and He'll take care of tomorrow.

I see myself standing under His arm while He steers and I'm safe there and I'm not afraid anymore and I finally know He loves me. I'm at rest. Finally. Sigh..... It's nice.  Thank You Father. ♡♡♡

Treasures Along the Way


There is a walk I sometimes take here on our mountain that requires a steep ascent at the end (hence, the reason it is not a well-worn path). There are two ways to make this steep climb home - one is a twisty, turny, long, gradual ascent and the other is straight up and a bit of a hike, but it's shorter. I usually take the twisty, turny longer road, not ever being in much of a hurry to leave the beautiful, peaceful woods.

One day last summer, I was feeling lazy and hot and didn't want to take the longer, 'easier' way home. I just wanted to get there. So up I headed. This was a big hill, and very steep. After slogging along for a bit, I looked up at this hill and thought, "Egads. So far. Ugh." and wondered if I'd ever get to the top. It was slightly overwhelming. The climb was hard plus I had stumbled over a stump when I was looking up at how far I had to go. Hmmm.... maybe I should have gone the other way....

I decided to just watch the path and take one step at a time, trying to enjoy the slow climb as I went. Taking one small step at a time was manageable and not overwhelming. I kept my eyes on my feet and on the path so I wouldn't trip over anything else. And oh hey! Look! I found treasures along the way! What a nice surprise.  I found a sun-bleached, tiny snail shell, which is amazing because I have never once seen a snail up here in all these years. I found a glittery rock, a bright blue bird feather, a cute tiny pinecone and several pretty flowers that I gathered as I went. I had a handful of sparkly treasures that delighted me.

I was so busy watching my path for pretty little things, that when I finally looked up, to my surprise, I was at the top. Well, huh! I hadn't even noticed the difficulty of the climb any more after I started to focus on one step at a time and looking for surprises along the way.

As I was walking home, this all made me think of the times I have gone through grief and sorrow. How I realized that one step at a time is absolutely the only way out of it, having to slowly learn how to climb this impossible mountain of grief. I thought, "What a perfect example of how to walk out of the darkness of grieving. One small step at a time, don't look at how far you have to go or how steep the climb. Focus on this day, this next small step, not tomorrow, not next month or next year, or you'll be overwhelmed and want to give up. It's just too hard. But this hill has to be climbed so just focus on today, grace sufficient for this day, this hour. Trusting the Lord with each step and He will make sure you find treasures and blessings along the way."

 Usually what we find along the way is the Lord Himself, the greatest Treasure of all, a closer walk with Him and interestingly, freedom. Pain can open our eyes like nothing else. It can move us from, "I knew You in my head but now I know You in my heart."  Pain and grief break the heart open to usher in peace and even joy. It seems impossible but I have found it to be true. And now instead of pretty feathers, shells and flowers in my hands, I have peace and joy and contentment filling my heart. And such love for the Lord that I never ever had before. Oh what amazing, wonderful, blessed treasures those are to find along the way. And I say, "Thank You Lord. Thank You for this path I had to climb and for all the treasures I found along the way. " ♡♡♡

 Let Go Hon


One day when I was walking 7 month old Scout, he picked up a big stick to carry along. He picked it up at one end so it was unbalanced.  The heavy stick kept hitting the ground, jerking Scout's head back, bumping on his mouth. Frankly, it looked a  little painful.

I bent down, took hold of the stick with the intent of repositioning the stick in his mouth so he could carry it more easily and not cause him so much trouble.

Well.

He hung on to that stick for dear life. I guess he thought I was trying to take it from him.

I continued to gently grapple with him, saying, "Scout, let go hon. Scout, let go. I'm trying to help you. Let. GO." I was finally able to wrest the stick from his mouth, reposition it for him and off he went, a happy camper.

I sighed in exasperation thinking, "That didn't have to be that hard, little stinker."

And as usually happens when I am trying to teach my dogs a lesson, the Spirit spoke to my heart, and all I could hear was, "Let go hon, I am trying to help you. I am trying to make things better for you. Trust Me. Let GO."

We Were Meant For So Much More

There was once a few pigs and a few chickens in a barnyard. The pigs were wallowing in the mud and the chickens were scratching in the dirt. One of the pigs, Frank, said to the other pigs, Judy and Harold, "This stinks. Literally. The same thing, every day, mud, mud, mud. I'm sick of it. And I'm so bored." Harold then disgustedly commented, "I'm so sick of fighting over scraps that don't even taste good. What a rotten life."

Judy agreed and said, "You know, I remember my great grandmother talking about living in the palace as a young girl, how wonderful and clean and full of light it was. She said we came from nobility and were part of the royal family. I wonder what happened? Why don't we live there anymore?"

The chickens who were nearby and very nosy, overheard the pigs talking. One of the chickens, named Fancy because he was so colorful, said to the other chickens, Henrietta and Wilma, "Yeah I remember some of the stories my grandfather used to tell me about living in the palace too. He said that we flew like the eagles and didn't have to scratch in the dirt for our food. I always thought those were just stories though." Henrietta, who was prone to daydreaming, dreamily said, "Oh how nice. To fly above it all, to coast on the wind, lazily turning circles in the air, looking down on all this from up there. Oh how wonderful. I wish it were true." Wilma, the cranky one, said, "Snort. I wouldn't mind NOT having to work so hard scratching for food, worrying about tomorrow, whether there will be enough worms and  NOT eating dust and dirt anymore! Tsk!"

The cat sauntered by, who struck fear in the hearts of the chickens and vexed the pigs, commented with a sneer, "What are you fools talking about? You're just pigs and chickens. Royalty? HA! Mud and dirt is the life for you."  and walked away looking entirely too pleased with himself.

So the pigs and the chickens went on day after day, wallowing and scratching, not knowing they were meant for better things. They were of royal blood; the palace was indeed their home. They were meant to live with the King and be part of His family, taking care of His kingdom, attending to royal business. They had riches galore, food aplenty, comfort and warmth and love and laughter and purpose. Free from the dirty, stinky, bleak, boring confines of the barnyard. They would have been taught to fight, to be valiant warriors. They were children of the King.

 This knowledge was somehow lost to them though. They had no idea that these riches belonged to them, that it was already theirs. It was sitting in the royal treasury, just waiting to be discovered and used for the good of the Kingdom. They were rich and did not know it. The palace was their home and they were living in the dirt and mud, burdened by the cares of tomorrow. What a waste. What a shame!

2 Chronicles 34 and 2 Kings 22 - "The Book of the Law Found" - What we were meant to be.