I Trust You

 How do you give full control to Someone you don't really trust, to Someone you don't fully believe loves you? 

You can't. 

Here's a conversation I had with a pastor friend, which showed me how I really felt about God:

"Do you trust God?" 

"Sure I do."

"Do you believe He loves you?"

"Sure."

"Do you believe He's always been there for you?"

"Well.... no actually. He let a lot of bad things happen to me as a child, a lot of very, very painful things. In fact He's let me suffer, a LOT."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well..... um......  actually? I feel angry. And hurt. He wasn't a very good Father. He didn't protect me like He should have."

"Do you believe He loves you?"

"Well.... not really, no."

"Do you fully trust that He has your best interest  in mind?"

"No. I don't. Honestly? Now that I think about it, I don't trust Him. As a matter of fact, I'm angry with Him. I'm angry. I have never forgiven God for letting me down, for not protecting me." 

"You have unforgiveness in your heart toward God?"

"YES. Actually I do. How could He? How could He let me go through all that pain as a child and no way to cope with it? It was cruel! He didn't protect me. And it hurts."

"So, how can you fully surrender to Someone who you don't trust?" 

"I..... can't."

"Exactly. And that's where we have to start, right there. I want you to tell God right now how you feel about what happened and how you feel about Him."

So I did, sobbing my little girl heart out while I did it. I said exactly what I felt. I didn't hold anything back. I got it all out.

And that's where the healing began. 

That's when He started to show me why He allowed all of that to happen, why it was necessary, why it was a severe mercy and what it did for me - how all of it made me eventually find Him, turn to Him, cling to Him, love Him. I could finally see it. I could finally understand, let go and forgive Him. I could finally see that it was Love that did all of that.

I realized that He loved me, fully, deeply, enough to let me suffer, for my own good. 

He loves me. Really loves me. I am loved? Really loved? Oh my. I. Am. Loved.

Trust filled my heart. I surrendered my life to Him who loved me so. I gave Him control. 

And my heart filled with peace.

Thank You Father.  I love You. ♡