Finally At Peace ♡


You know how sometimes you get such a CLEAR picture of some truth that it just blows your socks off? Well that happened to me a while ago and it has helped me SO much.

I've heard and read my whole life that the keys to a real Christian walk are surrender and trust. That these are the two wings we fly with.

Now I've tried to do that for years. I've 'surrendered' a million times and just never could figure out why I had such a hard time finding the peace, abundant life, strength and joy that the Bible says are ours.  I have always struggled terribly.

I was praying, asking God yet AGAIN what the deal was, why am I handling this season of difficulties SO VERY BADLY? I mean seriously, I've been a total hot mess. 🙄

And I felt like the Lord said the word 'Control'. That I still hadn't really given Him full control of my life. Really? Gosh I've tried. But I could see that I still held reserves, I still said no at times, I still wanted to make the decisions. Why? Because I'm afraid. I want to be in control to protect myself from more pain and because I don't really trust God. I have never really believed that He loves me so I couldn't trust Him to take good care of me. So I couldn't let go and let Him have it. It wasn't about obedience. It was about fear.

And having all this 'control' over my own life hasn't helped one bit or kept me from more pain or harm.  It's just made me exhausted and physically sick and miserable.

I suddenly got this image of a ship cruising in the water and me hanging on down at the front in the water trying to steer it with my bare hands. 100,000 tons of ship and I'm trying to steer this thing. All my life. And here I was bumped, bruised,  water logged, bleeding, body falling apart under the strain and utterly exhausted, ready to let go and die, because I simply could not steer this ship and I can't try anymore and yet I STILL don't understand why it's not working and why I'm so tired. I've been trying to do something I was never meant to do. Never could do. GOD IS AT THE HELM. HE is steering. Always has been.

 And He's been waiting for me to join Him, to stand beside Him shoulder to shoulder while He does the steering, working together, Him deciding where we're going.

No wonder you couldn't feel His presence or hear Him better. He couldn't get anywhere near you with your hands full of ship, being dragged through the water. He'd call down to you every now and then, "Hey honey! How you doing down there?" I'd answer, "I'm fine! Gurgle, cough!" And He yells back, "Ok, I'm up here at the helm when you're ready to join Me. Love you!"

He kept the sharks at bay and kept me from drowning but He let me get hurt, bruised, exhausted, lonely, battered and completely beaten because He knew at some point I'd get tired of it and finally just want to let go. And when that finally happened, He threw me a rope, lifted me up, hugged me and said, "I'm glad you're up here with Me. Come on, let's get you dried off and rested and then you can join Me and we'll start over. How's that sound?" And me sobbing, "That sounds guh guh goood! I'm so tired."
I'll tell you, it was such a relief to finally let go and stop trying to steer that big ship. It's like, "Yes PLEASE, You take it. I don't WANT it anymore."
 Of course I have moments where I want to throw my leg back over the side to 'help' steer or want to wrest the wheel back out of His hand or look over the side and tell Him where to go or get freaked out by the fog ahead but I remember, I don't WANT that job anymore. He's steering and He'll take care of tomorrow.

I see myself standing under His arm while He steers and I'm safe there and I'm not afraid anymore and I finally know He loves me. I'm at rest. Finally. Sigh..... It's nice.  Thank You Father. ♡♡♡